Life on Planet Baby: With hope in my heart: an update on my PND

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

With hope in my heart: an update on my PND

Ah Lovelies! Today has been the best day I've had in ages. Now that's a big call for me, given all the hurdles I've faced over the past few years. But I sense that something deep inside me is shifting. It's almost like the fluttering of a butterfly's wing, a stirring of hope in my heart. Little things are starting to add up to the sum of a better whole. Recovering from depression is such a gradual, almost imperceptible process, I've discovered.

This is my new motto, topped by my fluttery friend

My PND story

For those of you unfamiliar with my story, about 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with severe post-natal depression. We had just returned to live in Hobart after 11 years in Sydney. Joshua was 3½, India 19 months old and Sam only 6 weeks old. With so many competing pressures, it's no great surprise that my brain overloaded and I became very unwell.

My road back to good health has been a windy and circuitous one as many of you have witnessed. Just when my doctors and I had decided to start reducing my medication last year, my darling Dad died. Several months later, Mr PB lost his job. We decided not to alter my medication, given how vulnerable I was feeling. But recently we started to reduce it as I've been feeling a little better. It feels like a smidgen but my doctors keep reminding me how unwell I was and how far I have come.

The thing about depression is that you don't just wake up one morning and say "It's gone now". Instead, it's a journey of thousands of tiny steps which gradually take you where you need to head.

My road to recovery

'Fixing' my depression hasn't just relied on medication. It's also involved intensive deep psychological 'heavy lifting' as I've worked on my underlying thoughts and attitudes. I've held them up to the light to see them clearly and for what they are.

It's required me to alter my expectations of myself as a recovering perfectionist (the 'old' me would have instead called it 'lowering' my expectations and felt guilty about it). And I'm comfortable with that.

How the 30 day self-care blueprint e-course is helping me

Doing the 30 day self-care blueprint e-course this month has proved such a revelation to me. I had no idea it could be so transformational in terms of how I can view, and live, my life. I can't thank Kirri and Deb enough for guiding our (now tight-knit) group through our journeys of self-discovery. Learning such life-skills from them has been so empowering.

One of the most valuable parts for me has been exploring my values, how they shape my life and how I choose to live it.

I've relished the chance to create a moodboard today to physically represent all I'm working towards:

being;
feeling;
having; and
doing

in my life. I thought you might like to see some photos I took of it.

Looking at it makes me happy

So here's the overview of it. It's comprised of many inspirational quotes and sayings which move me. They're the things which stop me in my tracks.

They remind me how I want to live my life and what I have to do to get there.

And I've added some ribbons, butterflies and circles punched from paintings I've done, all to remind me of my creative side which I cherish dearly.

Source

And here are some close-ups.

Source

So my friends, life is finally starting to look up for me. Adjusting the lens through which I view my life has helped me immensely.

And so have you with all your compassion and kindness to me over the past 2 years I've been blogging. I can't thank you enough for being there for me, the best cheerleaders a girl could hope to have.

It's an ongoing journey of discovery for me as I work out how to keep my 'irreplaceable sparks' alight. I'm glad to have you by my side for it.

In case you'd like to print out my moodboard, you can download it here.

All the photos are on my Pinterest boards here, here, here and here.

So, do my thoughts strike any chords for you all? Maybe some of you can relate to the hard work required to walk the road back to good health from depression. Or maybe you have some other insights to add. And do tell if you find moodboards helpful in clarifying what you really desire from life. I can't wait to hear your thoughts - dive in and let's share!