Musings on life as an older mother: Part 2

Gosh, thanks so much for your varied and most interesting responses to my last post on this topic. You certainly covered the whole gamut of issues and reinforced my belief that there’s a much more complex story for the media to tell if they really want to portray what is happening out there in society today. I thought I’d share a few thoughts with you on how I’m finding my life as an ‘older mother’ on Planet Baby.

While pregnant with Joshua, I read this article on the very informative Baby Centre Australia website. Relieved that I had passed the fertility hurdle, I wondered how life on Planet Baby would really stack up. Would I find life like Nicole who, ‘with one child in her 20s, three in her 30s and one at 41, would pick the 30s as the ideal childbearing decade’, saying "Your career is launched, you still look and feel great and you have the energy to keep up with your kids. You're more relaxed about being a parent than you were in your 20s so you can have more fun and you aren't as tired as you are in your 40s. You think you can do it all and in your 30s, you almost can."

What stage of life was I at back then? Well, yes, the career was launched. Tick. I was looking quite youthful, had lost a lot of weight, was fit from dragon boating and yes, I probably was feeling ‘great’. So another tick there. That’s about as far as I got with agreeing with Nicole.  

Mothering Joshua aged 35

Joshua shortly after his birth

Once Joshie arrived and the sleep deprivation hit me like I’d run into a brick wall, I was exhausted. I wasn’t feeling or looking all that great. So no tick. As for energy, where had that gone? It was something altogether alien to me, that unceasing relentlessness of caring for a newborn who was completely reliant on me for everything. No tick there, either. I battled with breastfeeding which seemed to cause him immense distress. At 7 weeks, we were admitted to the residential Tresillian Unit in Willoughby in Sydney for a 5 day stay. We received fabulous support from the midwives, those angels of mercy, with settling techniques and advice on how to deal with his colic. After expressing breastmilk around the clock with a double pump to feed him EBM in bottles for 14 weeks, my supply dropped through my sheer exhaustion and we moved to formula. Yes, the mother guilt set in (a story for another day). Sigh. Was I relaxed? Er, no, I wasn’t.

That first year of motherhood was hard. Very hard. So much advice was proffered by so many people (mostly unsolicited) and most of it conflicted. I tried to weigh up all the tips and got myself into such a pickle. Where was the manual for being a mother? Where were the instructions? Eventually I decided to pick one source of information (the trusty and sympathetic child health nurse at the bottom of the street) and stuck with it. Meanwhile, the lawyer in me, used to rational responses to logic, struggled with Joshua’s apparent inability to follow my logic. Of course, my brain was so addled that I couldn’t even grasp the concept that he wasn’t understanding a word I was saying to him, let alone following it!

Don’t get me wrong, that first year was also joy-filled in a way I could never have dreamt possible. I felt emotions I hadn’t known existed. My heart was full. I was in adoration of this little fellow. I felt complete, that a hole in me had been filled and my endless longing for a child was a distant memory. I met delightful mums in my mothers’ group who were real, who told it like it was and didn’t gild the lily or pretend life was rosy when it wasn’t. That really helped. I learnt how important honesty is in mothering. It makes a difference. It builds bridges of understanding. It makes you feel less alone.

Mothering India aged 37

The siblings meet for the first time

Joshua was two when India arrived. Suddenly, I had an active toddler who didn’t like to share Mummy’s attention with his breastfeeding newborn sister. I was torn. Between two little people who needed me. The juggling began.

How was I travelling, according to Nicole’s list? Well, forget the career. For the moment. I’d been back to work for 10 months before I had India. That job vanished. For the first time in my life, I was unemployed. So weird. No job to go back to. No idea where my career was heading. I told people I was on ‘maternity leave’. I didn’t even know the term SAHM existed, let alone what it meant. Who was I? Ah, yes, identity crisis. Sigh.

And was I looking and feeling great? Not so much. At 9 months, India and I returned to Tresillian for a week. I had just survived three months of her waking 3-4 times a night and screaming her head off (in the room she shared with Joshua). That meant three months of breastfeeding her to sleep (yes, I know!), pacing the house in the dark patting her and snatching 3 ½ hours of broken sleep a night. The miracle workers at Tresillian stopped her night feeds on the first night and gave me some more settling tips which worked a treat.

Once the sleep deprivation problem was solved, I suppose I did have more energy. And how I needed it! As India became more mobile (she was an early walker at 10½ months, like Joshua, so I didn’t have much rest!), I had two active toddlers on my hands. They’ve never been wallflowers, playing quietly in a corner. They’ve always been chatterboxes, busy bees and studies in perpetual motion.

Having two littlies, whilst tiring, was absolutely delightful. Seeing them revel in playing together made my heart sing. They were the sweetest play fellows and always up to something, partners in crime. Mr PB and I adored our little family.

Mothering Sam aged 38½

And baby makes five!

Step right up! Throw another ball to the lady juggler, please! Yes, suddenly in July 2009, I had 3 children under 4. As for Nicole’s list, career – parked. Half a tick? Who knows. Was I looking and feeling great? Well, after arriving in Hobart and being promptly whisked off with 7 week old Sam to the Mother Baby Unit for diagnosis with severe PND, no, I wasn’t. Energy? Nada. None. Zip. My doctors keep reminding me that even without the PND, I would find life with the pixies tiring. Add the PND and I feel like I’m swimming through treacle. As for relaxed? Well, strangely yes. Having the PND whilst looking after the pixies has made me finally attempt to be kind to myself. I’ve had to let some things slide, change my priorities, not focus my attention as much as normal and lower my expectations of myself. And guess what? Life functions just fine like that. The world doesn’t stop turning if I don’t dust every week or wipe the pixies’ fingerprints off the windows every day.

So, finally, I guess, I’m finding this mothering caper enjoyable in a way I could never have imagined before moving to Planet Baby. I no longer worry about my career and the way it’s lost its linear trajectory which once seemed so important. It will all work out. I might even change career. The world will not stop turning. I’ve discovered I need less possessions. The things which used to bug me don’t so much anymore – I have better things to think about. Now, at 40, I’m really looking forward to the decade ahead as the pixies’ mum. Do I wish I’d had children earlier? Well, I can’t change the past so I don’t worry about that. This is the hand life’s dealt me. And I’m delighted to be playing this card game.

How have you found mothering has changed you? Has it met your expectations? Or have you been surprised or even disappointed? Keep the comments coming!