Musings on life as an older mother: Part 1

Okay, PB friends, so now you know more about the pixies and Mr PB, maybe you’d like to learn a little more about me. Where to start? Hmm, ‘older mother’. Do I really answer to that? I suppose, demographically speaking, I do. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), ‘in 2004 the fertility rate for women aged 35-39 years exceeded that of women aged 20-24 years for the first time, with this trend continuing since then’. It seems to be a phenomenon attributable to Generation X. So where do I fit in? Born in 1970, I am definitely a Generation Xer as I mentioned here. I had the pixies when aged 35, 37 and 38 ½. It seems women like me have been contributing to the recent baby ‘boomlet’ Australia is experiencing. So how did I get here?

I’ve followed the heated public discussion about this relatively recent phenomenon of older motherhood with great interest, both before and after arriving on Planet Baby. Debate in Australia seems to cleave into six groups. I’ll look at each in turn.

1. She’s-having-babies-later-because-she’s-been-concentrating-on-her-career

This whole topic of ‘older motherhood’ seems to engender strong opinions and often harsh language. Some people seem happy to rush to judgment and see it through a clear black v white prism. Certain assumptions often seem apparent when this group is discussed, in particular.

A whole ironic greeting card line has emerged

I’m sure we’ve all read articles and blog posts criticising women who decide to establish themselves professionally first and then, once established, and, perhaps financially more secure, have children later. Such women are often derided as ‘selfish’ and ‘materialistic’ and criticised for putting their careers as the most important priority, with children a distant second. (Let’s forget for a moment the double standard that exists – that harsh ruler is rarely run over the childless men of the same age, I notice. This interesting article at least addresses that issue). The statistics show there are Australian women in that situation. I don’t know one – and I’m not judging here, I just haven’t met anyone in that particular situation yet. Maybe you have. Maybe that’s you.

However, there are also other societal factors at play here. As the ABS notes, ‘Time spent in education and a career can mean less time for partnering and having children as a greater proportion of a woman's childbearing years may be taken up with study and work’. And of course, up until very recently, Australia did not have any legislated parental leave provisions so having children was a cost borne almost exclusively by parents (save for the Baby Bonus and Family Assistance benefits, of course, and no, I won’t get into a discussion of the merits of such payments here as that’s a huge topic). So there are often a number of factors at play in deciding when to have children, not least the financial aspect, particularly if you have a big mortgage in cities like Sydney or Melbourne where a second income is almost required for you to meet your financial commitments.

2. She’s-having-babies-later-because-she’s-only-just-found-the-love-of-her-life

I do know women in the second group, the ones who have endured the so-called ‘man drought’ in Australia and found partnered happiness (whether married or not) late in their 30s. In recent years, I’ve followed with great interest journalist Jacinta Tynan's refreshing take on life as an Australian single woman in her 30s, followed by her finding ‘late love' and having a baby aged 38. So yes, it does happen (I’ll do a post on her published views on motherhood another day – note to self).

Found here

3. She’s-having-babies-later-because-she-had-fertility-reasons

There’s also been a steady increase in Australia in the use of assisted reproductive technology (ART) in recent years. Far from the unusualness of the ‘test tube baby' phenomenon we first heard of in the 1970s, it’s now far more common. Multiple births (which often result from ART) are on the rise. I don’t have any expertise in this area but have a number of friends who have had babies using ART. The journeys these women (and their partners) take and the sacrifices they make in order to become mothers are absolutely extraordinary and often heart-wrenching.

I’ve seen my dear friends go through numerous fertility tests (for both partners), endless doctors’ and specialists’ appointments, invasive procedures, unpleasant and painful side effects of taking the required medication, the agony of waiting to see if fertilisation has occurred (and not forgetting the numerous miscarriages or stillbirths) or of getting back in the saddle and trying again. And again. The monetary cost can be astronomical, the physical cost extreme and the mental cost almost soul-destroying. So, I applaud all those brave souls who fit in this group and wish them only the best in their efforts to become parents. The children born to these mums are precious indeed. Here’s the classic moment of discovery, beloved the world over.

And then there are the mums who, after having one child using ART, find themselves unable to have any more. They have their own set of emotions to deal with, acknowledging the blessing of the child they have while mourning the siblings they are unable to provide. Goodness, life can be hard, can’t it?

4. She’s-unable-to-have babies-because of-fertility-issues

The sad flipside of the last group is those who, despite years of trying, heartache, considerable financial outlay and distress just can’t have babies. Mother Nature won’t help and the miracles of modern medicine haven’t been able to. Theirs is the saddest and toughest situation. My heart breaks just trying to imagine their pain and sense of loss. At some point, they have to decide to stop trying for children and work out how to spend the rest of their lives as a childless couple. That must be particularly tough in a society which places so much value of having children. So many relationships founder at this point and I guess that’s understandable. Others thrive for once they’ve been to hell and back, they’ve still emerged, together. Such adversity can often be the crucible for embedding a rock-solid relationship in these circumstances. Some couples adopt children or foster them. Others don’t. I found this photo of an empty cradle on this blog written by an infertile woman.

5. She’s-chosen-not-to-have-babies

Of course, there are also many women who decide motherhood is not for them. As is their right. I pass no judgment. Making that decision may be simple or complex – I suppose it depends on a combination of your upbringing, life experience, life philosophies, medical condition and personal circumstances. This article by Rachel Cooke, ‘The Dummy Mummy Decade’, expresses the view of one such woman. It’s an interesting read and quite thought-provoking. It made me sit up and view the world from her perspective – walking a mile in someone’s else’s shoes is important, I think, to ensure I keep an open mind. I also chanced upon this interesting blog which canvasses a lot of the issues considered by those who decide not to have children. This study asserts that remaining childless does not lead to loneliness in old age as is commonly purported. Yes, there are a myriad of reasons why women choose not to have children.

And then there’s a sixth group.

6. She’s-having-babies-later-because-she-had-medical-(and-not-fertility)-reasons

Not much mention is made in the media of this group. That’s where I fit in. Mr PB and I married at 28 and always had the general idea that we would start a family at around 30, after a couple of years of establishing ourselves professionally in Sydney under our belt. But it wasn’t to be. I won’t go into all the unpleasant details here as it is something intensely private but put it this way, we weren’t even in a position to even try to have children until we’d been married for 6 ½ years.

For many years, maybe even 20, I had a rare, severe and undiagnosed chronic pain medical condition. I had a range of wide-ranging symptoms but no one ever joined the dots. After years of distress, heartache, major depression, pain, medication and desperation, my GP finally referred me to the kind and brilliant surgeon who solved my problem. We are forever indebted to him and the two other kind souls who helped me through the long process of treatment and recovery. It required several major operations, medication, intensive (and invasive) treatment and my taking a year off work to fully recover and get myself well again.

I returned to work and fell pregnant with Joshua a week later. I cannot express adequately in words the joy and depth of emotion we felt when we saw the positive pregnancy test result. Ah, the rapture! We underwent the slightly scary genetic testing which is recommended once you fall into the category of ‘older mother’. The results were fine, to our great relief. Our move to Planet Baby followed swiftly. I was 35 when our darling Joshie was born. That seems to be the cut-off age for ‘safe’ pregnancies in Australia nowadays. Given my previous surgery and medical history, I had to have an elective caesarean to avoid setting off my body’s ‘pain loop’ again. Here’s newborn Joshua.

We told my obstetrician we hoped to have a family with three children. He showed us the statistics which were starting to stack up against us and counselled us to leave at least a 16 month gap before the next baby was born. We then suffered some considerable heartache (something else I’d like to keep private)  and by this stage, we could see the result of my ageing in the genetic  test results. The risk of problems was increasing. Then sweet India was born just over two years after Joshua, when I was 37, again by an elective caesarean.

Our kind obstetrician then gave us an even stricter timetable if we wished to have a third child with a minimal risk of complications. The test results showed an even higher level of risk this time. Then darling Sam was born 19 months after India via my third elective caesarean. Here’s our littlest man.

Suddenly, after years of heartache and distress, not to mention watching so many of our friends have children whilst we couldn’t, we had three children under four. And they were all healthy. Five short years ago, we would never have imagined how our lives would turn around so dramatically. We are indeed blessed and remind ourselves of that every day. Our lives could have been so different had we not landed on Planet Baby.

Next, I’ll have a ponder about the reality of being an older mother in Australian society today. I’d love to hear about your journeys to motherhood. Did you have your children early or later or a combination of the two? Life can sometimes throw the most unexpected challenges and surprises in our way, don’t you think?

This post was rewound for And then there were four's Weekend Rewind on 7 October 2011.