Thursday 14 July 2011

Searching for the light to guide my way

Oh, you sweet-hearted Planetarians! I am so moved by the wellspring of support you have shown me since my last post about my darling Dad. You all have huge hearts. It is such an intense time as I visit him every day whilst keeping the affairs of state running here. Dad is still hanging in there, perhaps not ‘raging against the dying of the light’ but still not giving up either. Life is a confusing, blurred amalgam of the sublime, the ridiculous and everything in between.

I am teetering, somewhat precariously, between the two worlds of being with Dad, *in the moment*, making sure I say what I want, and need, to and caring for the pixies as they grapple with the reality of what is happening to their precious Pa. Oh, as well as helping them adapt to the new house, school, daycare and soccer team. Not to mention continuing to piece together the enormous jigsaw puzzle of misplaced possessions following The Great Unpack.

In the midst of this, I am searching for the light and the clarity I need to write Dad’s eulogy. I have put my hand up for this great privilege. It will be my gift to Dad, harnessing my love of words in my best attempt to do him justice.

I need to get into the *right headspace* first. Then I’m sure the words will come a-tumbling.

Right now, I’m befuddled. Thoughts and words race around my head, seeking to be heard, recorded and ordered. They haven’t fallen into place yet. They shift and change, depending on my mood and how Dad’s day has been.

I crave clarity of thought.

It has been bitterly cold in Hobart for the past fortnight or so with snow halfway down Mount Wellington (a rare sight), blistering southerly busters and lashing rain. Miserable weather to reflect my mood.

But incredibly, most days, glorious rainbows have pierced the clouds and lit up the sky. Here’s one taken from Joshie’s school.
And another, just up the road.
I feel like Someone is trying to show me the way forward.

But I haven’t stumbled upon it yet. Does anyone have a map for me?
Photobucket

34 comments:

  1. What can I say? I'm feeling for you Jane...
    Don't worry yourself now with finding the right words, they will come when they need to.
    take good care, x

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  2. Sweetie I wish I could help in some way, I'm sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. xo

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  3. Rainbows are God's promise that he will take care of us.
    xx

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  4. Oh sweet Jane. Reading this post is heartbreaking. You have so much going on right now, it is no doubt clarity seems so distant. You are a beautiful writer, so I am certain the words will come to you. Give yourself space and time to let it happen. The rainbows are glorious and do reflect a sense of calm and peace. Magic photos like that always lead to inspirational thoughts... it's the effect these had on me :o) xo

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  5. Oh Jane, there is no map is these difficult times. I remember trying to put together what I would say at my Dad's funeral and I was blank... and then suddenly, the words just flowed and I knew exactly what I wanted to write. Thinking of you my friend and sending you strength, love and big hugs x

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  6. Oh Jane :(
    Thinking of you.
    Don't try to force the words. They will come late late one night when they need to, when the time is right.
    Big hugs. xxx

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  7. You have been in my thoughts alot Jane.

    Don't force the words Jane...they will come. I was asked to speak at my Grandfather's funeral as I am the eldest grandchild and my mind was completely numb until I stood up in front of everyone...their strength and love helped the words flow from my heart.

    Sending lots of love to you all
    xx

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  8. Thinking of you Jane and your Dad.
    Hugs and prayers!

    Jeanne xxx

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  9. Thinking of you Jane. Sending love and support...

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  10. Big hugs Jane! Rainbows are a reminder to us that God is out there looking after us and with all the thoughts and prayers going out to you, even just from bloggyland, I hope you feel that even more so!
    Take care of yourself while you are taking care of everyone else.
    Jxoxoxo

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  11. Hi Jane..I am sure Someone..is with you. I hope your Dad knows Him too. I think He will take you and your family right through this time in your lives and keep you in His arms. When the time is right, words will flow and you will know exactly how and what to say about your Dad, but until then relax about them...'cos they will come when needed. xox

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  12. Dear Jane
    Just as your Dad will pass when he is ready, so will the words come. This is your time to be with him and teach the Pixies about the process of life. Hugs and tissues, Jane x

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  13. The words will come, the only ones really needed at this time, at this moment are the ones you are no doubt sharing with your Dad each day - hold on to these words and these times and cherish them as I know you are. Love and rainbows to you and your pixies xo

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  14. Oh dear Jane, just know that I am thinking of you and am here for you. Your father is a lucky man, Jane. That is something I know for sure. x

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  15. Thinking of you & your family Jane
    Hugs & squishes to you all xxx

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  16. Sending you hugs,such a difficult time for you all. I hope you find your light. xx

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  17. Wishing you all the peace and clarity to create such an overwhelmingly special yet tragically difficult gift. Much love to you :) x

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  18. Oh gosh dear Jane. I wish I had something profound to say... just take each day as it comes. There are precious moments to be had right to the end. The words..well I think they will come. Take care of each other. Leax

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  19. Hi Jane,
    Its a while since I have caught up with you, your new house looks fabulous, love that kitchen, I am sure you will make your new home beautiful.
    My heart goes out to you at this time, I went through something similar with my mum last year and I too wrote the eulogy, my prayers are that your dad will pass peacefully and that God will give you the strength to get through this time.
    God Bless
    Deanne

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  20. Thanks, everyone. You're all so wise and caring. Yes, the importance of rainbows is not lost on me. It's reassuring to see them. And the words are starting to come now. Just brainstorming but that's progress. J x

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  21. Sweet Jane, what a painful and stressfull time you're going through. I'm sending you a package full of hugs, strengths, support, warmth and love! Rainbows are a good sign! Take care, Tesca x

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  22. Thinking of you and your family.
    Chris

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  23. Words escape me Jane.

    I'm sure you will do you Dad proud with some beautiful words.

    Your rainbows are beautiful :)

    Kate

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  24. Sweet Jane, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Hope you find peace in your words for your dad - just remember to tell him how you feel before it is to late. Your rainbows will guide you.
    A xxx

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  25. Gorgeous images, Jane. Your head will clear and the words will flow when the time is right. Hugs. x

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  26. It must be so difficult trying to clear your thoughts to focus on something so big, when life's little everyday demands are at your heels all the time. But I'm sure that those words will flow when you really need them too Jane - just like sliding down a rainbow. Thinking of you, and those pixies. x S

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  27. My gorgeous Jane, i think you'll find it when the time is right, your head is clear & you have clarity. It might happen when you least expect it, in the laundry, stuck at traffic lights. Take the pressure off yourself & know it will come, soon, when you & your father are both ready. You will perform the most perfect & befitting eulogy, it will flow with grace & love, in his honour. Deep breaths, it's all so hard, unfair & tough, you are stronger than you know, love Posie

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  28. How encouraging for you to have seen so many rainbows. Hang onto that feeling of hope within this time of turmoil. My thoughts are with you and I know that when the words come they'll be just right.

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  29. Don't look too far ahead Jane. Things have a way of presenting themselves as needed, including the sort of map you're looking for. Take care!

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  30. oh big hugs jane! this is all so fresh on my mind. I remember we had to go and talk about the funeral and what she wanted in her last few days when she was hanging on. You are so brave, just soak it all in, I always treated each goodbye as if it was my last, said everything I wanted to say but still couldn't believe what was happening. still thinking of you all,
    corriexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  31. Oh my. Thanks, ladies, for your endless encouragement and support. You are helping me through this patch in ways you will never know. Thankyou. J x

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  32. Oh Jane.... my heart is in my throat. x

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  33. Oh Emma. You're such a darling. J x

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Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, you gorgeous soul. You've just made my day! J x

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