So when am I going to return to work? Part 2

Cripes! I've loved reading your thoughtful comments on my last post - thankyou. It looks like some of us Planetarians have trodden and/or are treading similar career paths. Anyway, back to where I left off - going on maternity leave to have Joshua. 

My life as a stay-at-home mum

Christmas Day with 5 week old Joshua

Joshua's arrival completely turned my life on its head. That's completely normal with your first-born, I guess. But for me, it caused a much deeper internal shift. I suspect I had PND with him. I became quite neurotic, anxious and obsessive about doing things the 'right way'. Being a perfectionist exacerbated the problem. Not to mention being a Virgo with my love of order! But I also think my legal background had left me ill-equipped to adapt to the chaos of mothering a newborn. For so many years, I had been in control (mostly) of all aspects of my work, right down to decimal points, percentages of impairment and billable units. Logic prevailed most of the time.

But Joshie's arrival threw my old norms out the window. Overnight. Suddenly I was faced with a mewling baby who was completely dependent on me. I was horrified that he wouldn't follow my extremely logical (to me!) entreaties to go to sleep when he was tired. Over-tired, even. Confound it! "What's wrong with you?" I heard myself wailing to him. Often. I really struggled to adjust to my new reality.

And so started my mothering journey, off into the unpredictable beyond. Without a road map or any bearings whatsoever. All so hard for this surveyor's daughter. But gradually, life settled down. We developed a sort of routine. I stopped wearing a watch, checking the clock constantly and having nightmares that I hadn't filled in my timesheet. My life took on a slower rhythm, dictated by Joshua's sleeping patterns. 

My first birthday cake attempt!

My life as a working mum

But then the party was over - time to return to work. How I managed to swap daily between life's extremes amazes me now. After snatching little sleep due to Joshie's nocturnal habits (lots of night waking due to enlarged adenoids and tonsils and middle ear infections, all cured by 3 ENT operations), I'd suit up and race to the bus-stop to head into the Sydney CBD. Mr PB took Joshua to and from daycare.

I, meanwhile, beavered away in my office, attempting valiantly to please my boss, my clients and the court, all at once - very tricky given their often competing interests. I rarely returned home before Joshie was asleep. Oh, the horrid mother guilt! It was the pits.

And then my boss convinced me to change from working 3 days a week to 4. In theory, that didn't sound too bad. But I hadn't anticipated that really meant fitting 5 days' worth of work into the 4 I was paid for. Hmm, how often do we mums fall for that old trick?

Lunchtime with Daddy in May 2007

My great fortune lay in becoming pregnant with India only a month in. Mind you, it was utterly exhausting to haul myself to the bus every day, sleep-deprived, and get stuck in the interminably slow traffic. Although we only lived 13 km away, my trip sometimes took up to 1½ hours. Truly.

As my pregnancy progressed, those long bus trips became very uncomfortable. And the nights became so much more difficult. I really struggled to switch off from work. I developed insomnia as I lay in bed, anxiety gnawing away at me. Then my back started giving me grief so I slept even less. Somehow I managed to work through to until a month before India's birth.

My life as the mum-of-two aged 2 and under

Joshie and India meet for the first time

A fortnight after Joshua's 2nd birthday, India arrived, to our utter delight. Then the craziness really started! Juggling the competing demands of two littlies was both physically and mentally taxing. Miss India also had her own views on sleep being for the weak. *Sigh*.

But as hard as that time was, I never thought longingly of returning to the law. Quite the opposite, in fact. It felt like complete anathema to me, something which repulsed me. Even as life on a single income became harder, I never considered going back. I felt ill at the prospect of returning to such a toxic work environment as seemed to be the nature of that competitive area of law. Working in such an aggressive, adversarial system was also the antithesis of my values.

My life as the mum of 3 under 3½

Joshie and India meet Sam for the first time

And then Sam's arrival all but sealed the deal. Having 3 littlies so reliant on me made the thought of working as a lawyer so fanciful and unlikely. I was stuck in the deep trenches of motherhood. My severe PND only compounded that feeling.

Where I am now

India's first day of Kindy

It's only now that I'm starting to feel I can pop my head over the parapet and have a peek at the grown-up world I used to inhabit.

I know I can't return to insurance litigation. I'm too burnt-out and scarred from my Sydney experiences. Plus, after consulting a senior female lawyer down here, I know how hard it is to find a part-time job with family-friendly hours in private practice. Sure, I could try to get a job in the public sector at, say, the Ombudsman's Office. But my heart isn't in it. I can't even go through the motions.

Do you know that as I sit here typing this, the pit of my stomach is contorting in pain as anxiety grips at my very core. And that's just the result of *thinking* about it, let alone doing it. I need to listen to my body as well as my heart.

I've recently applied for two non-legal jobs but without success. I missed out on one by a whisker. Whilst it was daunting to have to muster the courage to apply after so many years out of the workforce, it did wonders for my confidence. I realised I had other talents to offer.

And that, my friends, is where I'll have to finish tonight. I'm sorry to leave you hanging. We're getting closer to answering 'Do I want to return to the law?'. Here's a hint - the answer is a very qualified 'yes'. I'll explain those pre-conditions next time!

So tell me, especially for the lawyer Planetarians amongst you, do any of this ring true for you? Is anyone else grappling with the resulting identity issues? Cripes, it's hard being a grown-up, isn't it?!

I surrender

Source

Sweet Planetarians, all 525 of you, I'm raising the white flag of surrender today. Only figuratively, alas. This week we've been crooker than Rookwood on Planet Baby (the Sydneysiders will get that joke). I've had both boys home with me all week as they've suffered from the horrid virus sweeping Hobart. Mr PB and India have soldiered on with colds. Now I'm laid low - I suspect the 'flu may be setting in.

But retreating to bed isn't an option. 

Not when I have 3 pixies with running taps for noses which, for reasons best known to themselves, they are unable to wipe.  I am keeping up their doses of Nurofen and water whilst laundering handkerchiefs and topping up the tissue supply.

And they are fractious. Squabbling abounds. I'm tired of adjudicating disputes. And separating warring parties. Not to mention dodging little hands swinging my way. 

I'm horrified to see such behaviour. I can't believe what I'm seeing. This isn't how we've raised them.

And in the midst of it all, we're trying to 'hold the line' as we implement the 'traffic light' system for managing their behaviour. Joshie and India have it at school so we're doing it at home as well. Mr PB and I have dubbed it 'Operation Pushback' as we establish firmer boundaries of acceptable behaviour to promote family harmony.

This explains pretty much how we do it.

This is India's creation. We all have our own feathers. You'll see a certain pink feather is now on the yellow light. With one warning down and two to go before it's moved down to red. 

I won't tell you how that pixie made it to yellow. Let's just say I'd like to erase this morning from my memory banks. Forever.

Mind you, we have added to it by also having an incentive system so it's not all negative. The pixies can earn bonus points by doing something good without being told to etc. 

Here's a photo of our little chalkboard slate with the current tally!

Anyway, Operation Pushback is hard. Especially when we're all crook. But needs must.

I'm not prone to such negative posts, am I? But in the spirit of keeping it real and letting you know you're not alone in experiencing the frustrations of parenting, I'm hitting 'Publish' now.

And now I'm off to arbitrate/wipe noses etc. Wish me luck!

Your burning question: When did you have Joshua?

Ooh, we're enjoying a delightfully sunny day in winter-time Hobart today - the pixies are gadding about in shorts and T-shirts! Sun does wonders for one's mood, doesn't it? Especially when A Certain Mother has been *slightly* overdoing it with her healing hand. The result? A tingling little finger and a painful wrist. Hmm. I just phoned the surgeon and was advised to rest - quelle surprise! I know you've all been counselling me to do so but pruning our roses seemed like a good idea until my hand hurt...

Anyway, as promised, I'm continuing with this series of posts answering your burning questions posed in our survey. Now you've read about how Mr PB and I met and our time in Sydney, let's move onto our arrival on Planet Baby with Joshua's birth. Oh, and India's and Sammy's, too!

The pixies' arrivals

Nursing my first-born on Day One!

Click on this post to read about the lead-up to, and arrival of, all 3 pixies. Go on - I'll wait for you back here!

My goodness, it takes me back, seeing those old photos. Back to the newborn blur. Whenever I feel like I'm in the *trenches of motherhood*, I should look at them to remind me that we've actually come a long way ☺.

My early years of motherhood

Well, that's their births for you (I'm not one for sharing their actual birth stories). Then click here to read about those first few years of my mothering journey. It might answer some of the questions you've asked me about how I coped with having the 3 pixies in only 3½ years! 

So what are your thoughts? Did you relate to any of the hurdles to motherhood I discussed in my first post? And were you nodding at any of my feelings about the early days of motherhood? Or have your experiences been totally different? Do jump in and share - I can't wait to hear your thoughts! 

Miss India starts Kindy

Well today, lovely Planetarians, was an auspicious occasion on Planet Baby. It was a day which had been keenly awaited by Miss India for months, then weeks, then days and finally sleeps. And then this morning, it finally arrived - let's-start-Kindy-day! She was the first dressed, in her freshly ironed tunic and now-worn-in-after-a-week-of-wearing-nothing-else black Mary Janes. Her hat was firmly ensconced on her head from 7.30 am. Her backpack was filled with her lunch-box, drink bottle, pink (of course!) smock, library bag (the one lovely Val sent me for winning her giveaway) and spare change of clothes (all with name-tags sewed in by A Certain Mother at 11 pm last night!). Most importantly, her best friend, Tommy Dog, was packed into a little box as her guardian. She rustled up all the boys and their paraphernalia, supervising their teeth-cleaning. She was a girl on a mission!

And then The Photographer (er, moi!) was called in to mark this momentous occasion. Here's one of the pixies on the back deck with backpacks in place and broad brimmed hats on to ward off the summer sun. They loved feeling like a team, about to start the new school and daycare year. The sun was a bit glary, though.

Then we adjourned to the front door where the light was better. Here's a gorgeous little sequence of them, proudly posing.

Let's start with my Big Girl, clutching Tommy, with hat on. Doesn't the joy just radiate from her? *Sigh*.

Then with hat off, to show her navy ribbon and side part. Goodness, that transported me back many years!

Joshie then stepped up, the old pro. He'd already led the way with his Kinder photo here and Prep photo here. He knew the drill. 

But more importantly, he wanted to have his two emerging front teeth recorded for posterity. So here they are, right down the bottom!

And then Sammy took his turn, after waiting ever so patiently for the big ones to finish. He was proud as punch. Goodness, he wasn't even holding his favourite friend, Spot - he was firmly stowed away in his backpack.

Here's a close-up of my Little Man, wearing his 'S' for Sam top.

Photo shoot over and the school bell beckoning, Mr PB then had the very unusual task of assisting me in loading up the Chariot and doing The Drop-Off. The chattering was non-stop all the way there.

We dropped off Joshie first as he was the old hand. After a few details were ironed out like where his locker was and where he had to put his hat, he found his mates and sat down, cross-legged on the floor, ready to start a-learning. His eyes were bright as could be. After some swift hugs and kisses, we left him to start his year.

Kindy was the next stop. As I'd been to the Parents' Evening last night, I knew the drill. We found India's locker, stowed away her bag and Tommy and then found her girlfriends who'd followed her over from their daycare. She was instantly at ease with them which made my heart swell. We then fetched her name which had been laminated and she traced over it in texta, keeping perfectly between the lines, to my amazement. She proudly stuck it on the wall and then, after a quick chat with her teacher, ventured over with her girlfriends to start on of her favourite crafty things ever - painting! 

We pulled on her pink smock and she was away, already writing her name on her painting before even being asked to by the teacher! Another heart-swelling moment for A Certain Mother ☺.

And then I realised I had to stop snapping photos, kiss and cuddle her and let her go to make her own way. There weren't any tears from either of us. She was ready for it. And I knew that. With a wave, she was then immersed in her painting and we left her to it.

That left Sam alone with Mr PB and me - an almost unheard of situation. And he relished it, holding both our hands and beaming away. It was a delight just to solely focus on him for once. Upon arrival at daycare, however, we soon found that his treasured carer, "Sawy" (Sally), no longer worked there. And he was moving to the next room. Mr PB and I had sharp intakes of breath. How would he cope?

We headed out to the slide and he was away, in his absolute element! We couldn't believe it - we actually had 3 happy little pixies. And all at the same time! Kisses and cuddles over, we fairly skipped out of the place. Slowly, just ever so slowly, I can now peek over the deep trenches of motherhood ☺. And my babies are doing just fine!

And here's My Big Girl at the end of her first day of school - luminous.

Celebrating Christmas 2011 on Planet Baby

Hello Lovelies! Finally I have a chance to post about our Christmas celebrations – it’s catch-up time ☺. So, I present to you *Christmas 2011 as celebrated on Planet Baby*.

The presents

After rising early, the pixies were excited to discover *just a few* presents under our gorgeous Christmas tree. They set to, ripping them open with gay abandon. 

Joshie had fun playing with Sam’s whizzing and whirring toy.

Miss India discovered a pink hobby horse which neighs loudly when required.

And Sam was thrilled to find some Star Wars Lego, just like his big brother’s!

The tools for the yet-to-be-built-sandpit were enjoyed in noisy style.

The dress

Remember the divine smocked dress India received last Christmas? Well my Mum had her friend make a blue version this year.

India was smitten.

Here's a close-up for you crafty girls. *Sigh*. What utter loveliness.

My sister, her husband and their son then dropped by to spend some precious cousin time together which we all enjoyed.

Unfortunately, Sam started projectile vomiting for the next hour or so, the poor chap, so the others headed off to church to meet Mr PB's parents while we stayed at home. Fortunately, he soon recovered after a sleep.

The food

With my Mum interstate at my brother's and my sister dining at her in-laws', we revelled in our first Christmas lunch as a family in our fabulous new home. Sure, Sammy slept through it and Joshie and India stuck to their usual sandwiches (let’s *so* not go there!) but Mr PB and I enjoyed a feast.

The table was decorated in our favoured crisp blue and white setting. The quirky, mismatched cutlery was given to me by the lovely Rachael for my birthday – it was a treat to use.

Our treasured Villeroy & Boch dinner setting was brought out.

As was my divine German Blaudrück tablecloth.

Crackers were pulled in time-honoured style...

funny hats donned...

and corny jokes read. We were so proud to watch Joshie read them aloud for the first time.

Then the feast began! Now, how about some succulent marinated and barbecued butterflied lamb?

With some fresh roasted and rosemary-encrusted Tasmanian pink eye potatoes, honey-glazed roasted carrots, baby beetroot, fresh tomatoes and rocket? Feeling hungry yet?!

For dessert, we had my no-fail pavlova, topped with scrummy raspberries picked that morning from our garden.

My Mum’s famous fruit-rich and brandy-soaked Christmas cake was delicious. Recognise your little butterfly on top, Tina?

We also enjoyed a Legacy plum pudding with custard (I couldn't find any brandy butter this year!). 

In a family tradition dating back about 80 years, my late grandmother's old thrippences were hidden in the pudding, much to the pixies' delight. Every discovery of one in their mouthful of pudding was loudly proclaimed and the thrippence brandished aloft. Just as I have done every Christmas for all of my life. 

That was when I teared up as I fondly thought of how my Dad would have loved to witness it. And how he would have played his age-old trick of pretending he couldn't finish the last mouthful of his pudding, only to offer it to a youngster who then gleefully discovered a thrippence!

The pixies then adjourned outside to try out their giant bubble blowers. We then drove to Mr PB's sister's house and celebrated with his family there. With witching hour upon us, we headed home to have the pixies fall asleep as soon as their heads hit their pillows! 

So, I made it through. Without my darling Dad and missing him terribly but still rejoicing in the blessings of celebrating with our precious little family in our gorgeous new home. I'm sure Dad loved watching us.

And that, my friends, is a wrap! I'll be back tomorrow with more tales to tell. I hope you're all enjoying your Christmas break - what are you all up to?

Miss India turns 4 with a rainbow party

Hello, you 452 gorgeous Planetarians (and hi to those who’ve recently hopped aboard!). Well, we made it. Planet Baby’s birthday party season for Joshua and India is officially over after 3 full parties, 1 playdate and 1 afternoon tea for the grandparents in 3 weeks! Our darling India turned the big-girl-4 a fortnight ago and we celebrated with her daycare and family friends yesterday at home. Here are some snaps of the Carnival of India which ran over the past fortnight!

The big day

Here’s our gorgeous birthday girl up early in her jammies, ready for The Grand Unwrapping of her presents! Hmm, maybe she was getting a cat? What do you think?

This moment of surprise  and delight in her discovery made my spine tingle.

And here’s my baby girl thrilling in A Certain Mother’s handiwork! All in her trademark pink, naturellement!

Here are some bookends, painted with more love.

Then the troops were called in for backup.

Woo hoo! Now India has her own transport to rival Joshie’s! In pink, of course ☺.

The day was spent at home with Sam and me, pottering around and enjoying her presents. Not to mention entertaining us – she’s a card!

We celebrated afternoon tea with the grandparents as you saw here.

The big party

Yesterday we had about a dozen of her friends and their parents and siblings join us for India’s *rainbow party*. Lucky for us, it was a glorious summery day and we were able to party both inside and out.

The decorations

There were rainbow garlands and balloons of every hue.

The attire

The partygoers were suitably bedecked in a multitude of colours.  Here they are, wearing their rainbow riot!

The girls enjoyed their sparkly halos.

And how’s this for a stunning necklace?! Talk about a very stylish mum. Oh, I want to make one!

The food

There were Mr PB’s famous smartie biscuits.

How about some luscious fruit skewers?

Not to mention the old standby, fairy bread.

The craft

The girls loved creating some colourful crafty Christmas confections for their Christmas trees.

The games

There were good old-fashioned pass-the-parcel, ‘Simon says’ and musical chairs. They were all raucously enjoyed.

But the best fun of all was had at Mr PB’s expense.

See these innocent little partygoers, all lined up neatly? Their mission was to throw a beanbag into that soup pot in the foreground. Hmm, it looks like *someone* has struck paydirt! The result…

Well, Mr PB was semi-prepared…

But when your brother-in-law is on a mission, the *rules*don’t always apply! Notice that second sneaky watering can in use ☺.

The cake

Mr PB having changed into dry clothes, Miss India’s big moment then arrived – the Cutting of The Cake!

We attempted yet another *full family shot* before the singing began.

My little girl was quite overcome.

She had some able assistance from her eager brothers with blowing out the candles.

And then came The Grand Cutting of the Cake which revealed…

Meredy’s fabulous rainbow cake! My darling girl was just so delighted, it made my heart go *kaboom*! She’d kept *our secret* so well that it was the complete surprise we’d hoped for. You're a legend, Meredy - thanks so much for the fabulous recipe.

The party bags

Witching Hour then dawning, our brightly-hued guests then departed, their gaily-beribboned party bags clutched firmly in hand.

And then Mr PB and I collapsed. For 5 minutes.

Then Witching Hour began in earnest. But fortunately, after all the day’s exertions, the pixies soon fell asleep, leaving us to marvel that we’d managed to pull it all off and still remain standing ☺. And that, my friends, is a wrap! No more parties until July 2012 – woo hoo!