Taking a blogcation

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Hello Lovelies! I've never had such a break between posts in my two years of blogging. Truly.

I've blogged through it, even when my heart was overcome by grief.

I've always supported others' decisions to take some time out from blogging to attend to more pressing matters. "You go, take your time. Do what you need to do. Come back when you're ready. We're not going anywhere" I've reassured so many of you.

And I've meant it. Absolutely.

But somehow, I haven't gifted myself that grace.

Now it's time for me to do that.

Life's harsh realities are asserting themselves at the moment. Lack of money tends to do that, regrettably.

So, whilst I attend to our family's needs on Planet Baby, I need to take a little break from here.

I need to free up my mind and energy so I can focus on the truly important things in my life. As I always say "Life first, blogging second". Time to walk the walk.

I'm not sure how long I'll need but hope you Planetarians are content to await my return. It won't be months but it may be some weeks - I'm not sure.

I was so heartened by your overwhelming show of support for this post so I trust you will understand.

I will miss our interaction here dreadfully. But I have to do this.

So, I'll see you back here in a while. A bientôt!

Edited on 21 November 2012: 

Oh my stars! Your gorgeous collective response has overwhelmed me. By habit, I was preparing to answer each one individually but I stopped myself. That's what taking this blogcation is all about, isn't it? 

Instead, I'd like to thank you all for your extraordinary kindness and support. I'm a lucky girl to have you all cheering me on. Please know that I have read, and appreciated, every single comment.

Oh, and I will continue to run the Post of the Month Club during my break, never fear!

Farewelling my Dark Blue Angel

Good evening, gorgeous ones. I know - two posts in a day is unusual for me. But I wanted to share something with you. This desire has been triggered in me by gorgeous Deb publishing my guest post on her blog today about my post-natal depression story. You can read it by clicking here - it'll open up in another window if you want to return here easily to read what else I have to say! 

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I wrote it weeks ago. I wrote it with an unfamiliar fervour. I was absorbed by the process. Every word was pulled from deep within my heart.

I've posted before about my post-natal depression. The most recent one is here.

But writing that post for Deb evoked different feelings in me. As one who's walked the same road as me, Deb knew exactly what questions to ask. They were laser-like in their precision.

I appreciated that. Deb *gets* me. And, like me, she's motivated to share her story to help others who are treading the path as well.

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She has an enormous heart. I encourage you to read the rest of the guest posts to come in her fabulous 'A story to tell' PND survival series. She's performing an immense community service by running it.

So, what was so different about writing that post for Deb? Well, for the first time in years, I felt like I could *almost* write it in the past tense.

As in "I had PND". As opposed to "I have it".

And that, my friends, is when I had my epiphany. 

I'm almost out the other side of it.

That pinprick of light at the end of that interminable tunnel is growing brighter, sweet Planetarians.

The joy. The sweet relief.

And you know what? I can almost-I'm-that-imperceptibly-close *feel* it.

As a sufferer of anhedonia (the lack of pleasure or the ability to experience it), that is a seismic shift within me.

I'm not quite there yet. But it's not much further now.

I've recently reduced my medication substantially. This week has been the big test for my little body. It's been painful. After 3 years of receiving that particular medication every day, my body's grown used to it. So it will take a while to readjust. 

My clarity of thought is gradually re-emerging. 

Today I tackled a mountain of tasks I'd been avoiding. 'Can-do' Jane is returning.

So this week I've been listening to the sublime Sally Seltmann wistfully singing her moving 'Dark Blue Angel' song. On repeat.

Here are the lyrics, if you're unfamiliar with it.

Dark Blue Angel by Sally Seltmann

Today I saw a Dark Blue Angel
Sitting high upon a swing.
She looked at me and said I want you
But I will never let her in.

A boy is on a Ferris wheel
His hands are held up in the air.
Screaming 'cause he's happy
And the Dark Blue Angel is not there.

Goodbye, Dark Blue Angel,
I will never let you in. 

Kissing on a rainy day,
There's raindrops on the roses.
And inside her heart she knows it,
Yes, the Dark Blue Angel's flying away.

Goodbye, Dark Blue Angel,
I will never let you in. 

Goodbye Dark Blue Angel
I will never let you in,
Goodbye Dark Blue Angel,
I will never,
No, I will never,
I will never let you in.
No I will never
Let you in again.

Goodbye, Dark Blue Angel,
I will never let you in.

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So there you go! I just wanted to share it with you as so many of you have shown me such care and compassion over the past couple of years. I hope you can join with me in exhaling, ever so slowly.

So when am I going to return to work? Part 2

Cripes! I've loved reading your thoughtful comments on my last post - thankyou. It looks like some of us Planetarians have trodden and/or are treading similar career paths. Anyway, back to where I left off - going on maternity leave to have Joshua. 

My life as a stay-at-home mum

Christmas Day with 5 week old Joshua

Joshua's arrival completely turned my life on its head. That's completely normal with your first-born, I guess. But for me, it caused a much deeper internal shift. I suspect I had PND with him. I became quite neurotic, anxious and obsessive about doing things the 'right way'. Being a perfectionist exacerbated the problem. Not to mention being a Virgo with my love of order! But I also think my legal background had left me ill-equipped to adapt to the chaos of mothering a newborn. For so many years, I had been in control (mostly) of all aspects of my work, right down to decimal points, percentages of impairment and billable units. Logic prevailed most of the time.

But Joshie's arrival threw my old norms out the window. Overnight. Suddenly I was faced with a mewling baby who was completely dependent on me. I was horrified that he wouldn't follow my extremely logical (to me!) entreaties to go to sleep when he was tired. Over-tired, even. Confound it! "What's wrong with you?" I heard myself wailing to him. Often. I really struggled to adjust to my new reality.

And so started my mothering journey, off into the unpredictable beyond. Without a road map or any bearings whatsoever. All so hard for this surveyor's daughter. But gradually, life settled down. We developed a sort of routine. I stopped wearing a watch, checking the clock constantly and having nightmares that I hadn't filled in my timesheet. My life took on a slower rhythm, dictated by Joshua's sleeping patterns. 

My first birthday cake attempt!

My life as a working mum

But then the party was over - time to return to work. How I managed to swap daily between life's extremes amazes me now. After snatching little sleep due to Joshie's nocturnal habits (lots of night waking due to enlarged adenoids and tonsils and middle ear infections, all cured by 3 ENT operations), I'd suit up and race to the bus-stop to head into the Sydney CBD. Mr PB took Joshua to and from daycare.

I, meanwhile, beavered away in my office, attempting valiantly to please my boss, my clients and the court, all at once - very tricky given their often competing interests. I rarely returned home before Joshie was asleep. Oh, the horrid mother guilt! It was the pits.

And then my boss convinced me to change from working 3 days a week to 4. In theory, that didn't sound too bad. But I hadn't anticipated that really meant fitting 5 days' worth of work into the 4 I was paid for. Hmm, how often do we mums fall for that old trick?

Lunchtime with Daddy in May 2007

My great fortune lay in becoming pregnant with India only a month in. Mind you, it was utterly exhausting to haul myself to the bus every day, sleep-deprived, and get stuck in the interminably slow traffic. Although we only lived 13 km away, my trip sometimes took up to 1½ hours. Truly.

As my pregnancy progressed, those long bus trips became very uncomfortable. And the nights became so much more difficult. I really struggled to switch off from work. I developed insomnia as I lay in bed, anxiety gnawing away at me. Then my back started giving me grief so I slept even less. Somehow I managed to work through to until a month before India's birth.

My life as the mum-of-two aged 2 and under

Joshie and India meet for the first time

A fortnight after Joshua's 2nd birthday, India arrived, to our utter delight. Then the craziness really started! Juggling the competing demands of two littlies was both physically and mentally taxing. Miss India also had her own views on sleep being for the weak. *Sigh*.

But as hard as that time was, I never thought longingly of returning to the law. Quite the opposite, in fact. It felt like complete anathema to me, something which repulsed me. Even as life on a single income became harder, I never considered going back. I felt ill at the prospect of returning to such a toxic work environment as seemed to be the nature of that competitive area of law. Working in such an aggressive, adversarial system was also the antithesis of my values.

My life as the mum of 3 under 3½

Joshie and India meet Sam for the first time

And then Sam's arrival all but sealed the deal. Having 3 littlies so reliant on me made the thought of working as a lawyer so fanciful and unlikely. I was stuck in the deep trenches of motherhood. My severe PND only compounded that feeling.

Where I am now

India's first day of Kindy

It's only now that I'm starting to feel I can pop my head over the parapet and have a peek at the grown-up world I used to inhabit.

I know I can't return to insurance litigation. I'm too burnt-out and scarred from my Sydney experiences. Plus, after consulting a senior female lawyer down here, I know how hard it is to find a part-time job with family-friendly hours in private practice. Sure, I could try to get a job in the public sector at, say, the Ombudsman's Office. But my heart isn't in it. I can't even go through the motions.

Do you know that as I sit here typing this, the pit of my stomach is contorting in pain as anxiety grips at my very core. And that's just the result of *thinking* about it, let alone doing it. I need to listen to my body as well as my heart.

I've recently applied for two non-legal jobs but without success. I missed out on one by a whisker. Whilst it was daunting to have to muster the courage to apply after so many years out of the workforce, it did wonders for my confidence. I realised I had other talents to offer.

And that, my friends, is where I'll have to finish tonight. I'm sorry to leave you hanging. We're getting closer to answering 'Do I want to return to the law?'. Here's a hint - the answer is a very qualified 'yes'. I'll explain those pre-conditions next time!

So tell me, especially for the lawyer Planetarians amongst you, do any of this ring true for you? Is anyone else grappling with the resulting identity issues? Cripes, it's hard being a grown-up, isn't it?!

So when am I going to return to work?

Right, back to normal programming (although those dratted winds are still pestering us!). Okay, so I was chatting about how Kelly worked out her life dreams, the PayPal seminar I attended and my resulting connecting-the-dots realisation. 

I've since let my mind wander, unhindered.

                    Source: httpqwalana5blogspotcom.blogspot.com.au via Jane on Pinterest

And the result? Well, I haven't yet reached the startling clarity of Kelly's epiphany but I'm *so* tantalisingly close. I feel like all the jigsaw pieces are there, just waiting for me to work out where they fit. I'm trying hard to still my mental chatter so I can listen, ever so closely, to my heart.

Hmm, that sounds a little dramatic. Maybe. But I want to. And, most importantly, need to. 

My life as a snapshot

Why? Well, here's the lowdown on my life at the moment:

Age:

42

Occupation: 

Currently a SAHM. Also a lawyer but haven't practised for nearly 5 years. 

Status: 

Married for 13 years with 3 pixies aged 6½, 4½ and 3

Health: 

Much better than it was 2 years ago. Gradually reducing my PND medication. Some 24 kg lighter. Currently not exercising or eating properly. Need to get fitter as I want to play active sport with the pixies.

Financial status: 

Really struggling. Not surprising after living on one income for 6 of the past 7 years, having the 3 pixies in 3½ years, moving state, recovering from PND and having to pay for 11 operations between us in that time.

But having Mr PB work 2 jobs just to (barely) make ends meet isn't sustainable for much longer. He's exhausted and cranky. We all are.  It's not much fun.

Something has to change.

So when am I going to return to work?

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Ah, good question. It's one that's been vexing me for about the past 2 years or so, in varying ways. Up until then, this had been my plan:

Nov 2005

Joshua was born. I went on maternity leave for 12 months (extended by a couple due to having to wait for a daycare place for him).

Jan 2007

I quit my job and started a new one.

Feb 2007

As planned, I discovered I was pregnant.

Nov 2007

A week before I was to start maternity leave, my contract was terminated. A tough call. My boss was able to do this as I had worked there for only 10 months. If I'd worked there for 12 months, the Federal legislation to hold my job open for 12 months would have kicked in. *Sigh*.

Dec 2007

India was born. In theory, I intended to return to work when she was about 1. But I knew I had unfinished business.

Oct 2008 

As planned, I discovered I was pregnant.

July 2009

Sam was born.

September 2009

With 6 week old Sam, 19 month old India and 3½ year old Joshua, we returned to Hobart to live. Two days later, Sam and I were admitted to Hobart's Mother Baby Unit as he had been diagnosed as 'failing to thrive' (can you imagine how horrendous that made me feel?).

A fortnight later, I had to wean him as his palate was very high and he couldn't latch properly so wasn't receiving enough breastmilk.

The next day, I was diagnosed with severe post-natal depression.

December 2009 

We were discharged as Sam developed gastro and the nurse in charge panicked. My psychiatrist wasn't consulted. It was a shambles.

December 2009 to date

That was when my theory of returning to work when Sam turned 1 went off the rails.

I've since spent the past 2½ years grappling with having 3 young children, recovering from my PND, watching my Dad deteriorate and die, Mr PB losing his job and having carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand. 

That brings me to now.

This moment.

Do I want to return to the law?

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My returning to practise law probably seems like a no-brainer to you all. After all, I've studied for, and practised, it for almost half my life. Why would I walk away from that? Why indeed?

For so many years, being a lawyer completely informed my identity. Defender of the right. Advocate for the weak. Making life fairer. Helping solve people's problems.

Yes, it ticked so many of my important boxes.

But not the most important one - putting myself first.

Raised with the good old Protestant work ethic, I thought hard work would bring its own rewards. That I should respect my elders. That my effort would be noted and appropriately recognised.

With all that in mind, I worked ridiculous hours, perched up high in a Sydney skyscraper. I rarely was home by 7 pm and often worked back to as late as 10.30 pm. I had to catch taxis home as the buses were limited by then. Often it cost about $50. Often my boss wouldn't reimburse me.

But I didn't complain. 

Yet I seethed inside. I was furious at the unfairness. The paths some took to further their careers. The cliques that abounded and the fast-track to promotion some scored in spite of their abilities.

I ploughed on. Stiff upper lip and all that. I managed to function at a very high level at the office for years whilst all the time concealing the fact that I had major depression.

I could keep meticulous control of the minutiae of complex insurance litigation cases but then return home to crumple in a corner of our bedroom and curl up in a ball, unable to leave it. I became agoraphobic. It was dreadful. I vividly remember Mr PB taking me on a drive to Middle Head, overlooking Sydney Harbour. But I couldn't even get out of the car. My legs wouldn't move. I was completely panic-stricken. I'll never forget the look in Mr PB's eyes. He was so worried about me.

I ended up taking about 14 months off work due to having to treat a complicated medical condition so we could try to have children. It was a real watershed for me. For the first time ever, I put myself first. I had to. It was the only way I could become well again, both physically and mentally.

There's me, up the back on the right with blonde hair and paddle raised

I went to the gym regularly, saw a personal trainer and lost 12 kg. Mr PB and I took up dragon boating and made many new friends. I took up cross-stitch and started the fascinating task of researching our family trees.

Finally, after such a long time, Mr PB could see the sparkle returning to my eyes. His 'girl' was returning.

But I couldn't delay the inevitable indefinitely. I had left behind a diverse practice of about 40 personal injury litigation cases, some of them million dollar ones. I returned to work. I was told that due to the "economic downturn", my practice had been distributed among my colleagues and I was to ask them for tasks to complete on their files. That meant even asking some who were many years my junior. Every day.

I had to beg. I had a budget to make. It was humiliating. Embarrassing.

Becoming pregnant with Joshua was my most blessed ticket out of that horrid situation. Every time I was treated poorly, I would pat my growing belly and thank my baby for gifting me an escape.

To be continued...

And that, sweet Planetarians, is where I have to leave you tonight, I'm sorry - it's late. I had intended to make this post succincter but realised that I haven't ever really shared that aspect of my life as a lawyer with you. I think it should give you a greater understanding of how I've reached where I'm at, career-wise. I will answer the question 'Do I want to return to the law?' next time, I promise!

Have any of you felt trapped in a similar difficult work situation? Were you able to extract yourselves? Or did you end up mired there like me? Do share - surely I can't be Robinson Crusoe!

Giveaway: a place in the 30 Day Self-care Blueprint e-course

Well hello sweet Planetarians. This week is off to a far better start than my last - thanks for all your kind and comforting words (and a sunny day today helped immensely!). To ensure your week starts just as well, tonight I have a special treat to offer one lucky Planetarian.

Remember when I posted about 'June: my month of self-care and creativity'? Then I had the pleasure of doing two e-courses, one of which was the 30 Day Self-care Blueprint. It was sensational.

Now the organisers, the huge-hearted Deb from the inspiring Home Life Simplified (a fellow Planetarian - hi Deb!) and Kirri from the wonderful Happy Mums at Home, have given me a place to offer you all in their next version of the course! Happy days, my friends ☺. So, let's get stuck into the details.

What's the course about? 

Deb and Kirri describe the course as:

An individualised action plan that is based on the pillars of self-care, self-knowledge and self-love.

You will leave with a tangible, workable self-care plan aligned with your current life circumstances and your core values and designed to enhance your self-worth and well-being.

What is self-care?

Not sure what 'self-care' entails? I wasn't, either! Deb and Kirri describe it as meaning:

• You get to experience a richer life; one that is crafted by your priorities and choices.

• You value yourself, your needs and your dreams.

• You feel good about yourself.

• It results in you being able to give more. There is a ripple effect.

Doesn't that sound fantastic? Imagine having very talented and compassionate people guiding you through the course, helping you to work out  how to be your 'best self'. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Then throw in a class of empathetic, kind and supportive classmates and you're all set to have a challenging, stimulating and thought-provoking month, all at once. 

There'll also be a lovely rapport within the group on the private Facebook page, if the past course is any guide. 

This became my new motto, thanks to the course.

What do course participants have in common?

So many of us who did the first course had similar histories of having suffered from PND, anxiety, depression and the sheer exhaustion which comes with parenting littlies. But it wasn't just mums with young children - there were also mums with teenagers and grandparents. 

What we all had in common was that we had put our own needs last for so long and to our great detriment. Does that sound familiar? How about a show of hands? Yep, I can see plenty of you waving back at me! Well, then this course is for you. Promise!

How did I find the course?*

I adored it. You can read my thoughts on it here - it really helped me in my journey of recovery from post-natal depression. And that's a big call for me.

Here's my testimonial on the 30 Day Self-care Blueprint site.

So I commend the course to you all, whether you win this prize or not. It's a tremendous investment in yourself and your happiness for a modest price. 

What are the new course details?

The course will run for the month of October 2012. Places have gone on sale today, Monday 3 September 2012, for the special early-bird price of $AUD60. That's such a bargain at a cost of $2 a day - less than the price of a coffee and many times more valuable!

The early-bird discount price ends on 15 September 2012. It will then revert to the  full price of $AUD97. That's still a bargain at just over $3 a day ☺.

You will receive a welcome pack which will include some pre-reading, some questions for self-reflection, the syllabus, a time audit exercise to do in the first week, the course workbook and more. You will receive emails from Monday through to Friday with the weekends off to catch up or to practise that self care.

Deb tells me that this time, she and Kirri have recorded all the written days. That means that someone who prefers to listen to MP3s can do so - this will be great for those who breastfeed, want to listen while they exercise, go for a walk or do anything really!

Okay, enough of the hoopla - let's talk about the terms and conditions of entering ☺.

So how do I enter the competition?

1. If you're a Planetarian, leave a comment and you're entered.

2. If you're not already, become a Planetarian by either:

• clicking on the little Google Friend Connect button in my sidebar and follow the prompts; or

• clicking on the RSS icon in my sidebar to have my posts delivered to your reader.

3. You get an extra entry for:

• blogging about it;

• linking to it;

• putting it in your sidebar;

• tweeting about it;

• sharing it on Facebook; and

• sharing it on Google+.

To make it super easy for you to do so, you can just click on the little icons at the bottom of this post!

Make sure you leave a comment for an extra entry to be awarded in each case.

4. This offer is open worldwide to all my fellow Planetarians. That's the magic of an e-course - it's border-free.

5. The giveaway will close at on Saturday 15 September 2012 at 6 pm AST (Australian Standard Time so overseas Planetarians please take that into account) and will be drawn by the pixies from the Ceremonial Planet Baby Gumboot.

6. If you buy a place at the early-bird price and then win the giveaway, Deb and Kirri will refund you your money. They're good sorts! 

So, hop to it and throw all your hats in the ring for a chance. I wish you all the very best. And even if you don't win, buying a spot in the course is well worth the investment in yourself - please consider it!

As always, do share your thoughts - do you think the course sounds just the thing for you? Have you been 'stuck' in a life rut and would appreciate some assistance? I look forward to hearing your ideas.

* These views are entirely my own and have not been compensated for in any form. I just love the work of these two wonderful women.

I surrender

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Sweet Planetarians, all 525 of you, I'm raising the white flag of surrender today. Only figuratively, alas. This week we've been crooker than Rookwood on Planet Baby (the Sydneysiders will get that joke). I've had both boys home with me all week as they've suffered from the horrid virus sweeping Hobart. Mr PB and India have soldiered on with colds. Now I'm laid low - I suspect the 'flu may be setting in.

But retreating to bed isn't an option. 

Not when I have 3 pixies with running taps for noses which, for reasons best known to themselves, they are unable to wipe.  I am keeping up their doses of Nurofen and water whilst laundering handkerchiefs and topping up the tissue supply.

And they are fractious. Squabbling abounds. I'm tired of adjudicating disputes. And separating warring parties. Not to mention dodging little hands swinging my way. 

I'm horrified to see such behaviour. I can't believe what I'm seeing. This isn't how we've raised them.

And in the midst of it all, we're trying to 'hold the line' as we implement the 'traffic light' system for managing their behaviour. Joshie and India have it at school so we're doing it at home as well. Mr PB and I have dubbed it 'Operation Pushback' as we establish firmer boundaries of acceptable behaviour to promote family harmony.

This explains pretty much how we do it.

This is India's creation. We all have our own feathers. You'll see a certain pink feather is now on the yellow light. With one warning down and two to go before it's moved down to red. 

I won't tell you how that pixie made it to yellow. Let's just say I'd like to erase this morning from my memory banks. Forever.

Mind you, we have added to it by also having an incentive system so it's not all negative. The pixies can earn bonus points by doing something good without being told to etc. 

Here's a photo of our little chalkboard slate with the current tally!

Anyway, Operation Pushback is hard. Especially when we're all crook. But needs must.

I'm not prone to such negative posts, am I? But in the spirit of keeping it real and letting you know you're not alone in experiencing the frustrations of parenting, I'm hitting 'Publish' now.

And now I'm off to arbitrate/wipe noses etc. Wish me luck!

With hope in my heart: an update on my PND

Ah Lovelies! Today has been the best day I've had in ages. Now that's a big call for me, given all the hurdles I've faced over the past few years. But I sense that something deep inside me is shifting. It's almost like the fluttering of a butterfly's wing, a stirring of hope in my heart. Little things are starting to add up to the sum of a better whole. Recovering from depression is such a gradual, almost imperceptible process, I've discovered. 

This is my new motto, topped by my fluttery friend

My PND story

For those of you unfamiliar with my story, about 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with severe post-natal depression. We had just returned to live in Hobart after 11 years in Sydney. Joshua was 3½, India 19 months old and Sam only 6 weeks old. With so many competing pressures, it's no great surprise that my brain overloaded and I became very unwell. 

My road back to good health has been a windy and circuitous one as many of you have witnessed. Just when my doctors and I had decided to start reducing my medication last year, my darling Dad died. Several months later, Mr PB lost his job. We decided not to alter my medication, given how vulnerable I was feeling. But recently we started to reduce it as I've been feeling a little better. It feels like a smidgen but my doctors keep reminding me how unwell I was and how far I have come.

The thing about depression is that you don't just wake up one morning and say "It's gone now". Instead, it's a journey of thousands of tiny steps which gradually take you where you need to head.

My road to recovery

'Fixing' my depression hasn't just relied on medication. It's also involved intensive deep psychological 'heavy lifting' as I've worked on my underlying thoughts and attitudes. I've held them up to the light to see them clearly and for what they are. 

It's required me to alter my expectations of myself as a recovering perfectionist (the 'old' me would have instead called it 'lowering' my expectations and felt guilty about it). And I'm comfortable with that.

How the 30 day self-care blueprint e-course is helping me

Doing the 30 day self-care blueprint e-course this month has proved such a revelation to me. I had no idea it could be so transformational in terms of how I can view, and live, my life. I can't thank Kirri and Deb enough for guiding our (now tight-knit) group through our journeys of self-discovery. Learning such life-skills from them has been so empowering. 

One of the most valuable parts for me has been exploring my values, how they shape my life and how I choose to live it. 

I've relished the chance to create a moodboard today to physically represent all I'm working towards:

• being;
• feeling;
• having; and
• doing

in my life. I thought you might like to see some photos I took of it.

Looking at it makes me happy

So here's the overview of it. It's comprised of many inspirational quotes and sayings which move me. They're the things which stop me in my tracks. 

They remind me how I want to live my life and what I have to do to get there. 

And I've added some ribbons, butterflies and circles punched from paintings I've done, all to remind me of my creative side which I cherish dearly.

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And here are some close-ups.

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So my friends, life is finally starting to look up for me. Adjusting the lens through which I view my life has helped me immensely. 

And so have you with all your compassion and kindness to me over the past 2 years I've been blogging. I can't thank you enough for being there for me, the best cheerleaders a girl could hope to have.

It's an ongoing journey of discovery for me as I work out how to keep my 'irreplaceable sparks' alight. I'm glad to have you by my side for it.

In case you'd like to print out my moodboard, you can download it here.

All the photos are on my Pinterest boards here, here, here and here.

So, do my thoughts strike any chords for you all? Maybe some of you can relate to the hard work required to walk the road back to good health from depression. Or maybe you have some other insights to add. And do tell if you find moodboards helpful in clarifying what you really desire from life. I can't wait to hear your thoughts - dive in and let's share!

Linking up with the Post of the Month Club linky party on 30 June 2012.

And on the seventh day she rested...

My view looking downwards at my poor paw

Well, my friends, I haven't really rested since my operation. I have tried. Believe me.

But having had 3 pixies to take care of, absolute rest with my hand placed on the suggested cushion has been impossible.

Anyway, I've finished my painkillers and can make a fist easily which will be required on Wednesday when the stitches are removed. 

Until then, I have to shower with a plastic bag over my bandage and remember to use my left hand instead of my right (hard to do after 41 years of my brain being programmed differently!). And my fabulous father-in-law will collect Joshie from school tomorrow as I can't yet drive. He's a good man.

So, time to take my hand to some restful sleep! Sunday splendour will return next week when my hand is back to its full working glory. Have a wonderful week!

My Little Operation: my surgeon's verdict

Source

Warmest greetings from autumnal Hobart from A Certain Mother! I am two-finger-left-handed typing this with my poor paw (I love a good pun!) in a sling after My Little Operation this morning.

I'm just checking in to let you know my surgeon's verdict was that the surgery was a "technical triumph"! Given our mutual OCD tendencies, This Lawyer was very pleased with That Doctor. I could kiss his feet, actually!

There was a lot of internal swelling but otherwise, it was a straight-forward procedure.

Now the penny has (finally) dropped for Mr PB that I might be ever-so-slightly *incapacitated* for the next few days. So plans are (some might say 'belatedly') being hatched about transport and collection of the pixies from school and daycare by my knight-in-shining-armour father-in-law, bless his cotton socks.

We will see what transpires - cross your fingers for us! And thanks so much to you gorgeous Planetarians who have commented, emailed and texted your best wishes for my speedy recovery. You're the best supporters a girl could have!

Now time to get Mr PB help me get the pixies to bed and get my dinner before he has to race off to the school AGM which starts in 10 minutes. That's a little too stressful for me at the moment...

Some Saturday soul food: Henri J M Nouwen

Bonjour mes amies! It's a squally, rain-soaked night in Old Hobart Town tonight. It follows a blustery day which sometimes saw the ball in Joshie's soccer match blown off-course, rather than kicked ☺. In between the rain showers, I managed to harvest the last of our enormous potato crop. It was such sweet satisfaction to discover those golden orbs lying under the surface. Crispy roast potatoes are definitely on tomorrow night's menu! We also bought Miss India some new Mary Jane shoes (in pink, of course) and attended a family do. Now Mr PB's at his night job, the pixies are snugly tucked up asleep and I have some precious peace. 

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For this week's soul food, I've chosen the words of Henri J M  Nouwen, a Dutch-born Catholic priest and writer, who lived between 1932 and 1996. I'm intrigued by him as a fellow depression sufferer. I really feel that those life experiences imbued him with a deep richness of awareness of what it is like to be truly human.

I know that my experience of living with depression has left me agreeing with every single word here.

I've also chosen to share these words as there are some of you Planetarians out there, who are very precious to me, who are currently experiencing your own battles with the black dog. I dearly wish I could be be there to comfort you and hold your hands.

For the moment, though, these words will have to suffice. I hope they provide you with some comfort.

When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. 

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. 

Henri J M  Nouwen

If you'd like to print it out, then click here for a present I've prepared for you.

So, my friends, a penny for your thoughts! Do share. Do you have any, or many, friends like this? I count myself blessed to have a number, including some of you gorgeous souls - remember this post? I sincerely hope you all have at least one such caring soul in your lives. 

An a-resting sight!

Hello, you gorgeous Planetarians, all 481 of you! It's a gloriously sunny morning in autumnal Hobart and I'm feeling relatively pain-free in my right hand, thanks to my new best friend, *Sabrina the Splint*. Hence the post title - I can never resist a good pun! What a difference I've felt between this post on Thursday and today - quite extraordinary. It doesn't mean I don't need the surgery but at least the wait until I have it might be a little more bearable now.

This is what my hand looks like now.

Meet Sabrina the splint!

Hmm, firm and functional in regulation black. Note the supportive gel wrist rest underneath.

But just because a girl has to wear a splint doesn't mean she can't do it with élan! Here's the gorgeous ring darling Bron gave me for my last birthday - remember that?

It makes me smile whenever I see it, Bron - thanks!

So much to tell you but it's time to get lunch for India and Sam on the table. Will be back soon with some little things I've made, Sabrina notwithstanding!